Some twenty years ago, during a winter vacation in our Florida home, my older daughter, Deborah, called and excitedly told me her news: that the wonderful young man, Stephen, who lived up the street from us in Westchester (a suburban area north of New York City), and who had just returned from two years work with the Peace Corps in Africa, had asked her to marry him–and she had accepted. I was extremely happy for my daughter. But my own joy was restrained by the knowledge that this fine young man, whose family we had known well, was himself a child of an interfaith marriage: of a devout Roman catholic mother and a non-practicing Protestant father.

Although I suspect my daughter knew how I might react to the news since she asked me if I would attend the wedding, she probably never fully knew my feelings until she read this booklet. I assured my daughter that I would want to be at her wedding even if it were held in the Himalayas, unless she chose to flaunt my Judaism by marrying on the Sabbath.

In any event, there was an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that blunted the happiness for our child. Having a daughter marry a non-Jew was hardly my view of an ideal marriage–no matter how fine the particular young man and his family were. Perhaps many other American Jews would not have felt the same discomfort as I on learning of the impending intermarriage of their daughter or son. I wanted my children to marry Jews because of my own tradition, my love for Judaism, and my fear of the frequent association between intermarriage and assimilation. I had always hoped to have Jewish grandchildren and wondered to myself whether Deborah’s choice of Stephen as husband might not foreclose that possibility.

Like many of you, I wondered whether I (not she) had gone wrong in my efforts to convey the importance of Jewishness to my daughter. So in many ways, I share your pain and your anxieties if you, too, are a Jewish parent whose daughter or son has married or is soon to marry someone who is not Jewish. Happily, my story has an ending that I wish for all Jewish parents in similar circumstances. My daughter and her non-Jewish husband have three wonderful children, all of whom are being brought up as Jews in a home rich with the symbols and observance of the Jewish heritage.

Stephen is more than content with his children’s Jewish education, their celebration of Shabbat and other Jewish religious holidays and their identification as Jews. His own conversion to Judaism is probably not in the cards because he simply does not care enough about any religion. But I have watched him become a willing and enthusiastic participant in Shabbat services and in his children’s upbringing. I consider myself a lucky person, especially when I bask in the reflected glory and Jewishness of my daughter and her children-my Jewish grandchildren.

I wrote this booklet in the hope that perhaps some of my family’s experience in dealing with intermarriage might prove to be of help to you as well. Written from the perspective not of a rabbi or Jewish communal professional, but from that of a concerned layman who has been active for many years in the life of the organized Jewish community, this publication is intended as a practical guide to dealing with the many issues triggered when young adults, raised by Jewish parents in Jewish homes, decide to marry someone who is not Jewish.

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