For a variety of reasons, Jewish parents and grandparents tend to be upset when faced with the prospect of an intermarriage, even when they have no particular objection to the individual young man or woman who is to be their in-law. Occasionally intermarrieds report, "Being upset at our intention to marry was the very first identifiably ‘Jewish’ act in years for our parents." In addition to their own ties to Judaism, their concerns about Jewish survival, and suspicions about Christian anti-Semitism, parents whose adult children have intermarried or are about to may well feel some sense of personal guilt that somehow even if their child’s intermarriage is not the child’s "fault," it is their own.

Rabbi Rachel Cowan–herself a convert to Judaism after many years of having been in an intermarriage–has observed that when she and her late husband Paul (a born, and later "reborn" Jew) married, they didn’t believe that they were doing anything wrong. They simply loved each other. What better reason for marriage?

Almost all intermarried couples articulate much the same reasons. Why, then, do so many Jewish families of the newly engaged (or intermarried) couple take a different view? Practical concern is often one of the reasons. With the rate of American divorce climbing almost as rapidly as the rate of intermarriage, parents have legitimate concerns about the additional stress that differing religious and ethnic backgrounds place on the delicate balance of marriage. Many families–Christian as well as Jewish–have deep commitments to their religion that involve emotions, family, community and theology. Many thoughtful Jews also recognize the central role of the family and the home in transmitting the uniqueness of Judaism, its universalism and emphasis on education, study, and charity (tzedakah). They fear, with some justification, that in an intermarried home those values will be too difficult to transmit since the husband and wife will not be able to present a unified message to their children.

From the viewpoint of Jewish parents, there are at least two additional concerns. First, we Jews are a very small group–perhaps no more than thirteen million in a world whose population now tops five billion. That is about one-quarter of one percent. Intermarriage is, therefore, seen by many Jews (unlike the way it is viewed by others) as a threat to Jewish group survival.

Second, Jews often view Christianity as having been the greatest threat to Jewish survival over the last two millennia, and, more specifically, feel that the Christian Church has been a major force of anti-Semitism over the years. In the eyes of many Jews, particularly those who are older and biographically closer to the immigrant experience, intermarriage often evokes feelings of group betrayal, even though the record, both Roman Catholic and Protestant, has gotten demonstrably better over the past generation.

Young couples often seem oblivious to these parental concerns. They do not share our alarm about their future. Understandably, they only have eyes for each other as unique and precious individuals and cannot see the significance of the groups that divide their ancestry.

Interestingly, the time surrounding the engagement and wedding is usually also a time of heightened interest in family history and ancestral culture. Parents of the intermarried need to take special care not to "poison" the natural openness of the young couple to family history by openly or subtly emphasizing the young couple’s departure from Jewish family norms. It is more useful to find ways to enlist the young couple’s curiosity about family history through the sharing of stories that invite admiration, empathy, and emulation.

For example, describing with some humor the courtship of grandma and grandpa, illustrated by photographs, if possible, is a gentle way to weave a subtle web of attachment between the young family-to-be and their Jewish heritage. You need not be the one to emphasize how an interfaith marriage diverges from Jewish family norms. Your children are likely to know that quite well already. You need to help the new couple find a way to forge a link that will bind them to those venerable norms. Open to them the treasure-trove of your own family memories, be it in conversations or letters. These may well be the first heirlooms with which they will "Judaize" their own new nest.

< Table of Contents : Next Page >